Episode 2 — If I Had a Dollar for Every Red Flag I Ignored

You ever have one of those moments where you just stare at your phone, trying to process the audacity?

Yeah. That was me.

Minding my business, living my best mediocre Tuesday — when bam! — a little orange troll decided to make her grand entrance into my life. 🍊

There I was, sipping Starbucks and scrolling, when I see it. A DM. From her.

And this Oompa Loompa actually typed:

“You could just scoot over.”

Excuse me, what?

Ma’am, this is not a group project. 😑

I had to sit back in my Witches Before Bitches hoodie, clutch my coffee like it was holy water, and ask myself if I was in a deleted scene from Maury.

So, being the calm, rational adult I am (insert dramatic pause for laughter), I did the only thing that made sense:

“The only place I’m scooting… is in the bed with your husband.”

Cue chaos. 👑✨

The kicker?

A few days later, her husband slides into my DMs like it’s open mic night for bad decisions. 😭

Apparently, I “seem real.”

Sir… go be real employed. 😌

That was the moment I realized — she wasn’t a friend.

She was an Oompa Loompa in a Gucci belt. 🍊✨

🚩 The Red Flag Hall of Fame

You’d think that’d be the end, right?

Nope. Turns out I was collecting red flags like Sephora points.

Let’s take a quick tour:

🚩 The friend who “forgets” to mention she invited your ex to the same party.

🚩 The one who swears she supports you — but can’t clap unless it’s about her.

🚩 The “I don’t like drama” girl who is the drama.

And me?

Just smiling through it all like a paid intern in hell.

Looking back, I should’ve started a loyalty card:

“10 red flags = one free therapy session.”

💅 Glow-Up Talk: From Bitter to Boundary-Rich

Glow-ups aren’t just skincare and good lighting.

They’re when your brain finally stops accepting discount nonsense.

Now, my red flag radar goes off faster than a Facebook mom spotting free mulch. 👑

If you can’t bring peace, authenticity, or a coffee — we’re good.

I don’t do jealous energy.

I don’t do fake support.

And I definitely don’t do “scoot over.”

These days, I sip my coffee, pull on my hoodie, and remind myself — I’m not bitter.

I’m boundary-rich. ✨

🖤 The Mic Drop

If I had a dollar for every red flag I ignored, I’d own a yacht and name it Toxic Island Survivor.

But that’s the thing about chaos — it teaches you what peace looks like.

So here’s your reminder:

Don’t lower your standards.

Don’t let Oompa Loompas with Wi-Fi ruin your vibe.

And don’t forget to wear your emotional support hoodie while you block them. 🧥💅

Because life’s too short for fake friends, bad coffee, and boring hoodies.

Shop the vibe. Be the vibe. [Link in bio.] 👑✨